I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
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Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
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It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize