Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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