Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
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