We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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