A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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