i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
