i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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