bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
