Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Randomize
