I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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