Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
