hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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