im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
