My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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