sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
