Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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