my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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