I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
