your parents love me but you hate me
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
