Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My penis needs a shock collar
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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