There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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