Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
