i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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