I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I faked an abortion last night.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
