Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
