My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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