I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
