My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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