Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
What drink are we having for lunch?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Randomize
