All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
