I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize