my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
