you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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