I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You may now shotgun with the bride
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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