the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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