Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
