Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
