Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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