when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
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I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
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Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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