I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
