i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
