my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She bit a glass in half.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
