He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
