got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
