i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
