3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
