On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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