He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
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Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
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Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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