i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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