i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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