What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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