my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You made out with two different species that night
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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